I am not sure what is going on. But ever since I have bought this pickup truck six weeks ago, my money flow has been severely FUBARed. Which means, “fucked up beyond all recognition.” See, before I purchased this 1988 Chevy Cheyenne 1500, I was saving money easily. Hundreds of bucks a month. I was going to save up for a trip to Africa. I had saved a thousand bucks in two and a half months.
Then I saw a beautiful Toyota 5-speed, $WD that was in my price range. But I needed another $250 to get it. Well, long story short, it was sold before I could get there. I was pissed, dismayed and jilted, because it was a sweet ride, I thought. So what was my response to this event?
I panicked. Looking back on it now, it was like I lost my frigging mind. Well, that’s what I’m really attempting to do, here. What I mean is, my experienced of “loss” put the “fear of loss” in me, and my mind just took over! So I called up the guy who eventually sold me the truck I’m driving now. Yeah, I bought it. I had to drop another $100 into it to get it running a little better, and just recently got over the “buyer’s remorse” after a lengthy trip to Indiana and back with no issues at all.
Okay, get to the point- ever since I’ve bought this truck, my money has been fucked! I can’t understand it. Some of it was my own doing, like splurging when my girlfriend came to town, and fucking up my time card two weeks (with the help of my employer giving me misleading and incorrect information) in a row that’s cost me a couple of hundred dollars and made me really late on this month’s rent which was due ten days ago. (Oh, the landlord wants the rent NOW). I can only chuckle. Oh, I’ve been in worse scrapes, before. Plenty of times. I’ve always managed to “pull through.”
But I have been reflecting on how it may be time for me to get myself to another job. Maybe it’s just some poor “follow-thru” and poor judgments that’s been tying me up in these dollar bill blues. maybe I haven’t embraced “money” or my job, lately. The loss of money must somehow be an appropriate reflection of how much I fear losing money. I’ve seen this metaphysical cluster-fuck before. I was doing great at my previous job, a job that I had been doing for years with little fuss, until I made a big mistake. Then I began fearing making more mistakes, which led to me making more mistakes, which led me to being written up, which led me to fear getting fired, which led to me making more mistakes, which led me to be fired. I almost saw it while it was happening. But I was too wrapped up in the drama and the “reality” of my daily work life to break out of that vicious cycle. I don’t want that to happen here, so I better keep my eye on the Money Demon and do some self forgiveness for letting it slipshod over my life!
And to realize that I had written about how I don’t give a damn about money in a previous posting. Sheesh. Oh, well…