2011/04/14 - Speed Bumps Part 2

Last night’s blog found me trying to open myself up further, as a way of furthering and delving deeper into the process of my self-honesty. To continue along with that thread, I just wanted to relate a mental lockdown I experienced when writing it where I felt a wave or tiredness and confusion that fell upon me, leaving me without a way to continue, seemingly. It was a fascinating experience when the challenge to myself to open-up was issued; I immediately felt a “brain-drain” and a loss of context to what I writing. This has happened before, but not to my recollection involving my self-reflection. I had intended to write out self-forgiveness points, but I didn’t see it. I shook it off to being “tired” and writing “at a late hour.” I just turned off the lights and went to bed.

In the morning I felt very unsatisfied with myself and what I posted . I thought it was a lame post, and not very good. One of the worst, ever! I discussed this with my partner who noticed that the self-forgiveness statements were missing from it, as well. She said there were so many points to do self-forgiveness on – so why didn’t I do them? I told her of the lockdown and she said, fine. Do self-forgiveness on these points now while they’re here. I felt a pang of resistance to that, and I knew I wasn’t going to get out of it, no matter how bad my back chat wanted me out of there.

I wrote out several lines of self-forgiveness and discussed the points a little more. I realized I would have to write an “answer blog” to get over the inequality between myself and what I wrote last night. How do I feel about it? Embarrassed . Ugh, because who wants to display  one’s weaknesses for public consumption? The bravest of us, no doubt. I am comfortable with the lack of privacy on the internet to a point, and then I am no better than the anonymous cowards who take shots at us behind fake names. Basically, there is so much SF to do and I’m not getting any younger, as the expression goes. But this what I signed up for, to make this blog a beacon among many. a place where my process within self-honesty can be mapped and seen to stand for something. I’ve lived my entire life within and as a secret, most times as a secret within myself, or as projections of many personalities, one for each occasion.

But I am happy to report, I do feel like I’ve changed, especially when it comes to my racing mind, which is more restful these days. After studying in various ways, I see that it is possible to transcend the mind’s incessant chatter. When I first started process, I couldn’t see it at all. I’m doing a better job at stopping most back chat before I begin engaging full-on with them. Still a long way to go, but I can see myself getting there. And that’s pretty cool.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge last night’s blog as inferior (to other blogs I’ve written).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for become frustrated in not finding the right words I wanted to say.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for feeling my readers wouldn’t like it either, and would think it was poor.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fo blaming myself that I was too tired to write effectively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for “giving up ” on the blog when I ran out of things to say.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for “giving up” on the blog when I found myself not knowing what to say.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having a starting point of “getting the job done” instead of being equal to my writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging myself for not coming up with more on this point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for attaching self-worth to what I write.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowing myself to become influenced over, by, that which wants to keep me where I am.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowing myself to manipulate the point of not writing effective sf because I haven’t been doing anything wrong, which most certainly be a point of ego.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowing myself to write-through the mind instead of expression.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowing myself to fear self-intimacy.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowing myself the thoughts and opinions from others.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowing myself to fear writing self-forgiveness publically because of my ego.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowing myself to judge myself as ‘less then worthy.”

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowing myself for not being fully present when I write.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowing myself for attaching importance to what I write.

 

 

 

 

About these ads