2011/01/31 – Doubt

 

When did I first doubt myself? The first memory I possess is when I was a little boy of six years old and involved in my first fight with another kid across the street. It wasn’t much of a fight, and I don’t recall the details, but I was humiliated in front of all the others kids that were watching and I ran inside my house crying my eyes out. I wasn’t hurt or beaten up or anything like that, I was more angry and shocked than anything. Angry at myself for not standing up for myself and shocked that “fighting” existed! I stood behind the screen door with tears on my cheeks and looking at the other kids playing without a care in the world. In a moment, and I didn’t have the words to express it, but I knew I was never going to like those kids who laughed at me. I was something less. For the first time, I felt depression, like the world had gone black and would never be the same for me again.

The secret was out, I was a coward and didn’t want to understand or even care about fighting.

A year later I went to Catholic School and learned about the Bible and Jesus and God and all the saints. I did not Doubt the existence of any of that stuff, since I took it all as something obviously real, since everyone around me considered all of it true. Especially the grown-ups. I loved participating in Mass every morning, listening to the mysterious sounds of Latin falling from the droning lips of the old Father, holding a golden chalice that held the Blood of Christ.

Father Thomas was a young priest who was assigned to my school (St. Vincent de Paul) when I was in the second grade. I thought he looked like a movie star or President Kennedy, young and handsome. I thought it was neat that we had the same last name. Then I realized that there was a Saint Thomas that was one of Jesus’ Apostles.

Then I learned that St. Thomas was also called, “DOUBTing Thomas” because he would not believe that the Lord had come back from the dead unless he could put his fingers into Christ’s wounds. According to the Gospel of John, when Jesus finally appears, Thomas is convinced and says, “My Lord and my God!” Jesus replies to the effect of that it’s cool to believe what you see, but it’s even greater to believe in things not seen.

However, I can excuse Thomas for DOUBTing since how many people come back from the dead. Thomas then was just being common sensical. But I have DOUBTed myself ever since that day when I ran home crying because I let a kid hit me. It is a pattern that I let repeat throughout my life ad nauseam. If there’s a problem, then run away. Or walk away, because somehow, I have programmed myself to do exactly this. I have everything I need to be an effective and directive being, but I accepted and allowed DOUBT destroy all of me. I have allowed DOUBT to give me permission to hate myself, and I don’t know why. It’s crazy.

 

Earlier today I felt like I was falling: literally, falling down some hole into the earth. What brought up that feeling? DOUBT. It’s like DOUBT freezes me in my tracks, makes every step I take forward, I take  a step back. Anyway…

 

Doubt has been my companion throughout all my life. Giving up because of Doubt was my modus operandi as I struggled through life. I didn’t graduate from college because I got involved with an older woman who I ended up marrying because I was “grateful” that a woman wanted to be with me. I walked away from my first real band because I didn’t think they wanted me anymore. I walked away from my wife because I wanted to do something than be a working stiff and a father married to a woman I didn’t love in a small, fucked-up, rural town in southern Ohio. I ended up creating something of my own and of worth when my next band became very popular. After several years I left because again, I didn’t want to do it anymore. Instead of defending my point, I quit. Was it Doubt? I had no doubt as a singer. None. But I wasn’t a musician. And I didn’t believe that I could play well.

Once again, I had doubted myself.

Then I went back to Ohio after leaving LA because I DOUBTed myself in being able to survive in California after my car was stolen. I was taken back by an old girlfriend, but I DOUBTed I loved her because I was more interested in her friend, who was more my “type.” SO I left and went to stay with my sister in Illinois, but I left because I DOUBTed myself there, as well. I couldn’t get a decent job and I was being harassed by the same type of kids I though I had left behind in high school. So I went back to my first wife so I could just have a place to live.

I had written and drew cartoons and worked on them to find a publisher. I felt I was getting better, but I still wasn’t satisfied. I did get a rejection latter from Kitchen Sink Press saying that my work was within the top 5% of the submissions they received, but couldn’t “take a flyer” on unknown talent at the time. He also said to keep submitting. But did I? No.

I was tired of being out of work, so I landed a truck driving job and spent the next two years away from home. It was pretty nice. But after two years I was fired because I had too many accidents. I was relieved because I didn’t believe I was a good truck driver, anyway. I was planning to leave my wife anyway, so I settled in another town. I was trying to get back together with the girl I came back to Ohio to, but she got mad at me when I told her that my wife had gotten pregnant. So I was all alone, trying to get my cartoons written and drawn. Drawing wasn’t a problem. I just didn’t have anything to say. So I began to Doubt myself as a comic strip artist. Eventually, I stopped drawing altogether. I gave up. I had nothing to say…

After two years of being alone and working minimum-waged jobs, I went back to my wife again. I just wanted love in my life. I didn’t realize that I wouldn’t any such thing from this woman or my children, just as I didn’t get any love from my parents. So I always searched for it… never finding it for long. Always disappeared over time. After another two years, I left the wife for good. Why, because I couldn’t stand her and wanted a single life again.

Of course, I didn’t meet anyone for a year, but then I met and went out with two wonderful women who both ended up dumping me. Both times I could see the end coming, which was interesting. I had Doubted my ability to “hold on” to them.

So I worked for years climbing up the ladder in the local print shops in town. I got to be pretty proficient within my skill set and was finally feeling good about myself, making money and eating out all the time. I eventually married again, but I DOUBTed the marriage would last because I secretly promised myself as soon as I wanted out, I would leave. After six years, I did just that. I should have left after four years, but I wanted to give her “another chance.” I left her because I wanted to get back with a former girlfriend who I thought wanted me back. It was a great surprise when I found out she had no idea that I wanted her again. She had no intention to get back with me. So I gave up in trying to get her back, and I  just went on…

I fought against the IRS because I found a flaw and an argument in the tax system. I fought for several years before I gave up. I DOUBTed that I could take on the system and win.

Eventually, I met two women on the internet dating sites. Very similar in nature and temperament. I ended up dumping them both. I Doubted that I wanted to be with them.

 

I got a job at a print shop that paid fairly well, but Doubt crept back into me because I had to do the work of three people some nights, and I kept making mistakes. The Doubt I experienced ended up costing me my job.

I ended up being out of work for six weeks before getting a very relaxing job at the Library. Exactly what I needed. Then, Desteni. Ka BOOM! I entered process, and the rest is history, as they say.

Doubt sometimess still plagues me. I can’t stand the Doubt anymore. Doubt has been with me for a long time, and in writing it all out, I can see why. I suppose the reason for Doubting some things I do is because everything in the past that I have tried has eventually turned into a fuckup, and I mean EVERYTHING. A legacy of failure. Which is what Society demands. But after working with the Desteni material, I am fostering much more self-belief, and it is quite a refreshing way to live, compared to my early, Doubt-filled days.

2011/01/21 – The Gnostics

At the same time I was involved with the New Age stuff in my twenties, I became more interested in Gnosticism. It was a broad subject to research, and it took me years to go through all the different schools and movements within Gnosticism. For you that do not know what this Gnostic movement was about, the history books claim that it existed before the time of Christianity, which afterwards became a prominent heretical movement within the 2nd-century Christian Church.

There were all kinds of figures and schools and streams of thought that made up what is called Gnosticism. But there was more or less a thread that ran through most of it: this world of suffering must have been made by angels or an evil or  crazy  God. They did take the cycle of life apart and found that there was nothing “divine” about an existence where life fed off life. Well, nothing “divine” about the physical world, It was considered to be evil. Surely, this evil world must have been created by an evil and incompetent god. So they created metaphysical systems which mapped out and explained how it was done. I won’t go into it here, but all of it is readily available online.

This perspective delighted me because I saw the world in the same way! It was a horrid waste of life and time. Evil always seemed to win out, every time! The people were always slaves and exploited. Kings claimed Divine Right and weak must buckle under to the strong and it’s always been that way. It’s really something that those spiritual rebels were able to see that there was something fundamentally wrong with the set-up in existence. Most other would say, “It’s God’s Will,” and try to justify the bullshit. The Gnostics didn’t. They called out God and they were eventually hunted down and eliminated.

Another aspect of the Gnostics that I liked was their mode of salvation was “knowledge.” Knowledge of what was up was likely to save your immortal soul. The only “sin” they considered of avoiding of course, was ignorance. Ignorance of the insane God that the dupes unwittingly worshipped as the “good” God was likely to get your hide tacked to a metaphysical tree. While I didn’t believe that there existed an evil god that created an evil world, the argument was for me, well played. When I watched the Matrix for the first time, I was convinced it was based on Gnostic themes.

So the program was based on acquiring secret knowledge and self-knowledge. This acquisition of  secret  knowledge appealed to me, too. The jackpot in Gnosticism was a claim that there was a spark of the “True God” of the universe that was secretly inside each being. This idea, and many others would be recycled into Swedenborgian, New Thought and New Age systems 18 centuries later.

For example, the spirit was considered supreme and the body; evil matter. The Gnostics totally rejected the physical as worthless… as an “abortion.” This classic Gnostic idea the Body/Spirit split came from Pythagorean and Orphic religious systems, and was recycled down to us through the centuries until the development of  Theosophy, New Thought and New Age movements.

As I looked at the Gnostics through applying the Equality Equation, it makes sense that the movement died out. The poor Gnostics couldn’t go all the way with their rebellion. They couldn’t go past their perceived need to have a “God” to give a being a proper context. They rejected the God they thought created the world, but still wanted to chase after “Divine things,” variously conceived “higher” “Alien” God that had no part of  creating the world. They couldn’t remove themselves completely from the  God Construct. It was no surprise that the Gnostic faded out and became totally irrelevant. They didn’t have an answer to deal with the world as it was. Their solution was to reject it and unite with their “higher self” to enter Heaven.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delude myself into believing that by acquiring “secret knowledge,” I could save myself.  It didn’t save the Gnostics because knowledge is limited. I didn’t realize that until all are “saved,” nobody is saved. Or safe. My personal wish to find an answer to the problems of the world did not consider everyone within it, just like the Gnostics. There was something within me that wanted to deal with the world as it is, I just didn’t know how to work it out. It never occurred to me to look at the simple, all-encompassing answer of Universal Equality. Now that I do see it, I can help myself in dealing with this world by showing others the same thing, and for that, I’m grateful for recognizing, before it was too late, the futility of “secret knowledge.”

2010/08/21 – A Monograph in Defense of Equality Part 3

Equality or Liberty?

Opponents of Equality will defend their position that although they accept the existence of a common bond brotherhood between human beings that reveals similarities, it is the differences between any two people which makes the principle of Equality too weak a premise to build a society upon. While the opponents of Equality will regard it as a quaint though impractical notion, they will pay lip service to the concept and place it alongside other universal notions such as Justice, Liberty and Free Will to be formed as part of a “moral” and “ethical” framework. This is how the author of the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson can be given credit for the lofty philosophical statement of “All Men Are Created Equal,” while escaping criticism for being a typical elitist slaveholding colonialist. We realize now, despite the best efforts of public school miseducation, that the elite colonialists actually meant that, “All White Male Landowners Were Created Equal,” and everybody else existed only to serve their wishes.

It is no wonder why the elites would disparage and ridicule an egalitarian-based society. They may be pathological in their bloody single-mindedness within their domination of others, but they are not crazy!

They realized quite early that any talk of Equality would be controlled and used rhetorically and emotionally to channel responses of public opinion of the presentation of these lofty ideas while cynically having them accept their own program of institutionalized inequality. Economic Equality was never considered as it was incompatible with the generation of great wealth by the elite, which had the outcome of  creating a necessary division between the elites and the lower classes while using the middle class as a buffer as protection against the poor. [1] Equality is incompatible to the “wheeling – dealing” style of Capitalism. Equality is incompatible with the use of Free Will. Equality is incompatible with ideas of “Freedom.” Thus it has been given a lower status as a Universal Principle within the Social Contract by those who control and manage the flow of ideas.

Although the corporatism of Late Capitalism allows for “pulling oneself up by the bootstrap” Horatio Alger mythology on a piddling scale, the fact that once locked out, the disenfranchised most likely will be trapped within their poverty permanently. There is simply “not enough” money to go around to assist them. Besides, Capitalism needs a certain amount of people to be locked out of the system for it to remain functional.

Forget about money for a moment… there is also not enough “Liberty” to go around, as well. And here we come to the great divide between Equality and Liberty. “Give me liberty, or give me death,” was the famous Revolutionary War slogan attributed to the patriot Patrick Henry that supposedly encapsulates the American declaration of liberty. Liberty is more valued than any other Universal in America, and it is a handy measurement for establishing the limits and irrelevancy of Equality.

It has long been massaged into the brainpans of Americans that without Liberty, one is always subject to the leash around the neck that inhibits and restricts human action. The application of “Liberty” alleges that one has the “right” to be free from restrictions imposed by any lawful or unlawful order. It is important for the Capitalists that this “Liberty” be given Top Billing in society, because one can’t turn a profit without having the liberty to do so. You can’t make money polluting the air and the soil without having the liberty to do so. You cannot establish sweatshops in impoverished Third World countries without having the liberty to do so. This All-Important Liberty is too precious to be overturned by Equality.

However, once Equality is given priority over Liberty (which, in all truth, doesn’t really exist due to the limits imposed on free choice of the individual through the agreed-upon laws and regulation of society), none of the above “liberties” to devise methodologies of economic enslavement would be allowed. And here Equal Money economics is to be considered preferable to the current special – interest economic system that only exists to provide the most wealth for the fewest people. This condition of privilege for the few would be transformed into granting the same privilege for all.

Yes, it is true that the legal enforcement of Equality curtails and places limits on individual liberties, but mostly those that would rob and exploit others. To appeal to “Freedom of Choice” in allowing one to do as he wishes will do no good, for Free Will cannot truly exist if the Free Wills of others are overridden by the clever and devious beings who’s actions would cause their exploitation. That Equality must override Liberty to ensure the equal treatment of all beings should not cause one to doubt Equality’s validity or make it less worthy in our eyes. We maintain that it is through cooperation, and not through competition, that shall make Mankind achieve that which has always eluded us; a peaceful, harmonious world built on the Principle of Trust and Honor, where everyone is considered a friend and not an opponent to be defeated in vainglorious battle. Every man, woman and child can indeed be given the equal opportunity to become their fullest expression, but only if we remove specious and deceptive cries for the primacy of Liberty, used by those as a dazzling, white cloak concealing their true, deceptive and self-interested purposes at the expense of others.

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[1] This idea (and other methods employed by the American elite to use the middle class for its own purposes) is discussed several times in Howard Zinn’s extraordinary work, A People’s History of the United States, Perennial (HarperCollins), 2001.

2010/08/03 – 20th Century GURUS Sai Baba, Osho, Chopra, Siva Baba and the LOA