I am very disappointed in me. I have been living with this vague uneasiness for the last couple of weeks. It stems from fantasizing being like Winged in the dimensions. I know. Sad, isn’t it? This is not some lame, corny affliction of pitiful hero-worshipping going on here, I assure you! I just want to bop around and have adventures in the dimensions, too. I’ve got skills.
And that would be all good and everything, if it weren’t for a slight problem.
I don’t trust myself. Of course, I will do loads of forgiveness for this. But I really am struggling with the fear of discovering my true nature. I am afraid that it might be evil.
Which is stupid, because evil is a concept, a mind system polarity sequence. An illusion of the Matrix of the unified field. It’s just a fear of something I hadn’t ever thought of before. And I have never thought as myself as “evil.” Ever. I was The Good Son growing up. Why did this all of a sudden pop up as a fear in me? Hah. Because I let it, most likely.
It began as me goofing off one day at work and I found myself imagining myself in the dimensions being all cool and shit. And then a small doubt formed in my mind. Would I be able to handle it? Would I be disciplined enough to not be corrupted in any way? The more I questioned, the more I saw myself becoming like Anu. Which scared the hell out me.
I wanted to write about this last night, but nothing but lameness was expressing. I probably was blocking, LOL.
Anyway, I stopped having those flights of fancies. The disappointment and fear was pervasive, and it’s been hanging around me. Is it real, or just a fear? This really can’t suck enough.
Writing this out has made me realize that I fear myself because I don’t yet fully know myself. And that’s scary. A guy like me should have their shit straightened out by now.
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to fear my own nature.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself for participating in that fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compare my nature with Anu.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to to have that comparison bring up fear in me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience shame when I compared myself with Anu.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compare Winged’s experiences to my experiences.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel that my experiences when compared to Winged’s isn’t all that interesting.
I forgive myself that I have allowed allowed myself to fear being in the dimensions.
I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that I could fail in the dimensions.