2008/01/25 – My Fear



I am very disappointed in me. I have been living with this vague uneasiness for the last couple of weeks. It stems from fantasizing being like Winged in the dimensions. I know. Sad, isn’t it? This is not some lame, corny affliction of pitiful hero-worshipping going on here, I assure you! I just want to bop around and have adventures in  the dimensions, too. I’ve got skills. 

 

And that would be all good and everything, if it weren’t for a slight problem. 

 

I don’t trust myself. Of course, I will do loads of forgiveness for this. But I really am struggling with the fear of discovering my true nature. I am afraid that it might be evil.

Which is stupid, because evil is a concept, a mind system polarity sequence. An illusion of the Matrix of the unified field. It’s just a fear of something I hadn’t ever thought of before. And I have never thought as myself as “evil.” Ever. I was The Good Son growing up. Why did this all of a sudden pop up as a fear in me? Hah. Because I let it, most likely.

 

It began as me goofing off one day at  work and I found myself imagining myself in the dimensions being all cool and shit. And then a small doubt formed in my mind. Would I be able to handle it? Would I be disciplined enough to not be corrupted in any way? The more I questioned, the more I saw myself becoming like Anu. Which scared the hell out me.

 

I wanted to write about this last night, but nothing but lameness was expressing. I probably was blocking, LOL.

 

Anyway, I stopped having those flights of fancies. The disappointment and fear was pervasive, and it’s been hanging around me. Is it real, or just a fear? This really can’t suck enough.

 

Writing this out has made me realize that I fear myself because I don’t yet fully know myself. And that’s scary. A guy like me should have their shit straightened out by now. 

 

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to fear my own nature.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself for participating in that fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compare  my nature with Anu.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to to have that comparison bring up fear in me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience shame when I compared myself with Anu.

I forgive myself that  I have allowed myself to compare Winged’s experiences to my experiences.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel that my experiences when compared to Winged’s isn’t all that interesting.

I forgive myself that I have allowed  allowed myself to fear being in the dimensions.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that I could fail in the dimensions.

 

 

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “2008/01/25 – My Fear

  1. lol Darryl. This made me laugh and nod in acknowledgement.
    yep – guilty as charged lol
    I´d LOVE to surf the dimensions, would love to go on a grand tour with Winged. Don´t tend to go off on it more then thinking that, but I can clearly see myself in your words.
    yes, not until we are here in awareness, in self honesty and self trust, self realized will there be full access to that part of us. We won´t allow anything less than who we really are! Thanks for sharing!!

  2. I saw that Darryl, you thought you could sneak that in without me noticing, forgiving yourself after your posts? Heh, you can’t get those away from me..Rawr 🙂

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s