2008/04/10 – Relations Shift?


I would love to be in a relationship.

But at the same time, this can’t be for me, right now. I’ve got things to do that I ain’t never done before. It’s quite daunting to ponder that I will never be in another relationship. The prospect of being alone is very challenging to my ego. Even more than money or power, “Love” has long held an alluring, seductive hold over me. Perhaps it was because I didn’t receive “enough love” as a child. I was addicted, it seems, to the emotion like a drug. I needed another to feel good about myself, to feel special. To feel “loved.” 


But, it was just an emotion, this “love.” In every case, it came from nowhere and quietly left. Every time. I eventually figured it out. I was in love with a fleeting emotion, not with another woman. I could easily justified staying with this woman after the “love had gone,” easy. I did it before in each of my previous marriages. That’s not a cool realization when there seems to be no alternative. My biggest justification was that relationships kept me from being aloe. And that was it, basically. So dishonest, to myself and my mates. Oh, and I loved the sex, too. That is probably the biggest thing to give up! LOL Sex and emotion. What a combination! Maybe I’ll cover this in more detail, tomorrow.


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