2008/04/20 – Arrogance. Arrow Against.

Thus far, this exploration into Oneness and Equality, has been a dud. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge P : S – H as a “dud.” What I meant to say is that the Self – Honesty Process is very, very difficult to pull off. I find myself resisting to write purely form the point of brutal self – honesty, preferring to write about the many distractions that interest me. I had expectations. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have expectation on how easy writing a blog on the process of self – honesty would be. What an arrogant conceit that was. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to consider myself as defining myself as manifesting an arrogant conceit.

An arrogant conceit however, must have a starting point of the illusion of superiority within me. This realization has been leaking into my experiences with others, lately, manifesting as an irritation that nibbles away at me. Yes, I see now what has happened to me when I participate willingly in friction of minds grinding away at each other from the opposing poles of “Superior” and “Inferior.”

My great – grandmother had a small painted ceramic plaque that hung on the wall behind the stove in the kitchen. It used to make me laugh when I read it’s logical question, “If you’re so smart, why ain’t you rich?” From that singular question, I equated money with intelligence. My family was on welfare, so I didn’t feel very smart. I also  didn’t do well in school unlike my sisters who all managed to get straight A’s their entire career at school. But I was well – read, thanks to Dad’s investment of the World Book Encyclopedia, which I read every single page from A to Z starting in the first grade. I didn’t understand most of it, obviously, but being a bookworm fed that particular arrogance of “being smarter” than those that didn’t read.

Anyway – getting back to the point – lately, my arrogance of superiority over others who “don’t fucking get it,” or are “too fucking stupid to get it” has manifested repeated occurrences of people presenting their idiocies to me. Why? I had a better idea, one I thought made perfect sense! Just leave me the hell alone!

Maybe by placing myself as “superior,” I am attracting “inferior” responses from others whom I share my world with at this time.

The opposite of this dynamic has been shown to me, as well. Today I went down to the Irish Pub to watch a football match, I did it for me, as a “break” ahead of an intense work schedule I have committed myself. Then I went over to visit some friends whom I had a falling – out with, who were members of about three or four reggae bands we had been in together. The latest falling – out had to do with a perceived element of “competition” we had between us. He thought he were a “better musician” than me because he knew more chords than I did and knew how to solo. I thought I was the better musician because I proved that my original material was popular with our audiences. So we commenced into showing the other up. and when he tried to do that with a new band member, I quit. I mean, “what an asshole,” I thought. “He’s just jealous.” And so on.

I hadn’t been over to the house for over a year. But I had been talking to the wife periodically, and she kept asking me to check out their rehearsals. So I did.

We hung out for a while and soon the other players in the current band they’re in began filing in. Eventually I was asked to sing a couple of songs. And I did. It was cool, because I do rock as a singer.

When it was time to leave, it felt like all the hard feelings and bitterness we had held for each other had vanished. Maybe we were conducting themselves with a friendly front. Maybe we just decided to treat ourselves as one and equal to each other. Hmm… Imagine that.


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