2011/02/02 – On Becoming

Forgiveness in the dictionary defines the word as releasing ill will or hard feelings towards someone or something. Implies allowance of emotions that keeps me stuck, preventing me from moving on and becoming my best.

The releasing of emotion and the stopping of thought must be an act of will. Even after the incident recedes into the past, or the thought fading away into the past, failing to forgive makes it harder to forgive the next time. Then one becomes a thing like me; I’m fearful of even attempting to describe the what I’ve become…I WANT TO LOOK ‘BETTER’ THAN I REALLY AM.

But what to do? I can’t accept myself as this. It’s not about ‘finding’ the will to do this. It has to be about becoming? If we only exist thru our lives as only mental patterns perceiving pictures of what appears to be like, and when we die, nothing virtually remains, which brings up this implication: there’s virtually nothing here as self, directionless, will-less, no common sense. No way out. Nothing. A mute, non-existent, absent self; stillborn within the physical. But even as little as that, something inside me (and it sure as hell isn’t “hope”) understands that somehow it is possible to get out. But being misled by the pursuit of  knowledge of what we have been constructed and programmed, or believed what we constructed and programmed, there’s simply no chance to have even a shot at understanding our place in existence, because we can’t find it within that which we were led to believe held all the answers, that is, our minds..

In my case, it’s like I’ve created myself to respond emotionally to my world. I’m sure that’s not the best approach available.

The past few days my ‘experiment’ of stilling the mind has been interesting. Sometimes I can get it quiet for almost 30 seconds. While I might start timing myself to see if I can beat my record, this remains a sore spot in my process. It’s the textbook definition of addiction – I want to stop but I can’t. But that doesn’t mean I’m gonna quit, dammit.

 

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