Last night’s blog found me trying to open myself up further, as a way of furthering and delving deeper into the process of my self-honesty. To continue along with that thread, I just wanted to relate a mental lockdown I experienced when writing it where I felt a wave or tiredness and confusion that fell upon me, leaving me without a way to continue, seemingly. It was a fascinating experience when the challenge to myself to open-up was issued; I immediately felt a “brain-drain” and a loss of context to what I writing. This has happened before, but not to my recollection involving my self-reflection. I had intended to write out self-forgiveness points, but I didn’t see it. I shook it off to being “tired” and writing “at a late hour.” I just turned off the lights and went to bed.
In the morning I felt very unsatisfied with myself and what I posted . I thought it was a lame post, and not very good. One of the worst, ever! I discussed this with my partner who noticed that the self-forgiveness statements were missing from it, as well. She said there were so many points to do self-forgiveness on – so why didn’t I do them? I told her of the lockdown and she said, fine. Do self-forgiveness on these points now while they’re here. I felt a pang of resistance to that, and I knew I wasn’t going to get out of it, no matter how bad my back chat wanted me out of there.
I wrote out several lines of self-forgiveness and discussed the points a little more. I realized I would have to write an “answer blog” to get over the inequality between myself and what I wrote last night. How do I feel about it? Embarrassed . Ugh, because who wants to display one’s weaknesses for public consumption? The bravest of us, no doubt. I am comfortable with the lack of privacy on the internet to a point, and then I am no better than the anonymous cowards who take shots at us behind fake names. Basically, there is so much SF to do and I’m not getting any younger, as the expression goes. But this what I signed up for, to make this blog a beacon among many. a place where my process within self-honesty can be mapped and seen to stand for something. I’ve lived my entire life within and as a secret, most times as a secret within myself, or as projections of many personalities, one for each occasion.
But I am happy to report, I do feel like I’ve changed, especially when it comes to my racing mind, which is more restful these days. After studying in various ways, I see that it is possible to transcend the mind’s incessant chatter. When I first started process, I couldn’t see it at all. I’m doing a better job at stopping most back chat before I begin engaging full-on with them. Still a long way to go, but I can see myself getting there. And that’s pretty cool.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge last night’s blog as inferior (to other blogs I’ve written).
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for become frustrated in not finding the right words I wanted to say.